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New Childcare Bill Would Allocate Single Microwave For Kids To Cook Their Own Dinner
WASHINGTON—In the most significant move to help working families in decades, a group of U.S. senators introduced a new childcare bill this week that would allocate a single microwave for…
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Leonardo DiCaprio Sparks Engagement Rumors As Girlfriend Flaunts New NDA
LOS ANGELES—Fueling rumors that the 49-year-old star was finally settling down, Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted with girlfriend Vittoria Ceretti on Thursday as she flaunted a new nondisclosure agreement. “Oh, man,…
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Authorities Arrest Depraved Anglophile After Uncovering Hard Drive With 1.5 TB Of Hardcore Rory Kinnear, David Mitchell Photos
KNOXVILLE, TN—Seizing every device belonging to the man during a coordinated operation between local police and the FBI, authorities reportedly placed depraved Anglophile Ned McCann under arrest Thursday after uncovering…
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Weight Watchers Announces They Went Totally Ham On Some Nachos Last Night And That’s Okay
NEW YORK—Issuing a public statement for immediate release, Weight Watchers announced they had gone totally ham on some nachos at approximately 10 p.m. Monday and that’s okay, they’re not going…
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Prince Andrew Claims Pedophilia Scandal Was Just Palace’s Attempt To Cover Up His Ongoing Battle With Cancer
LONDON—Saying the accusations made against him over the years were not just disgusting but patently false, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, told reporters Monday the scandal over his alleged pedophilia…
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Study Finds Majority Of Americans No Longer Have Energy To Stand While Brushing Teeth
WASHINGTON—According to a new study released by the National Research Council on Monday, the majority of Americans no longer have the energy required to stand while brushing their teeth. “Exhausted…
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Report Shows Uvalde Police Chief Waited 2 Years In Parking Lot Outside Office Before Resigning
UVALDE, TX—In the wake of a devastating school shooting and reports that his officers did not receive adequate active-shooter training, an investigation showed Monday that Uvalde Police Chief Daniel Rodriguez…
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Irresponsible Millennial Wasting Money On Coffee Instead Of Pulling Out Gun And Robbing Everyone In Store
SUNNYVALE, CA—Shaking their heads at the 32-year-old’s typical lack of financial savvy, sources confirmed Thursday that irresponsible millennial Sean Drever was wasting money on coffee instead of pulling out a…
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Emma Stone On Phone With Louis Vuitton Customer Service For 4 Hours Trying To Get Refund On Ripped Gown
LOS ANGELES—Growing increasingly frustrated by the agonizing customer service experience, Emma Stone was reportedly on the phone with a Louis Vuitton representative for four hours Monday trying to get a…
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Father And Son Enjoy Annual Tradition Of Saying They Should Attend Spring Training One Day
BALTIMORE—Excitedly pulling out their Orioles jerseys and beat-up baseball mitts from the black of the closet, a local father and his son reportedly engaged Monday in their annual tradition of…
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