If you find yourself saying, “I’ve told you a thousand times…” it doesn’t mean the other person is not listening, it means you’re not communicating.
It’s happened to all of us; you thought you were getting one thing, and, well, what you got (or didn’t) was totally not what you expected. Sure, there are some who maliciously mislead, but, being the optimist that I am, I’m going to assume that we can chalk up miscommunication to “noise in the channel.”
Therefore, whether it’s you and your spouse bumped heads over the weekend, or you’re negotiating a contract with a business, I figured I’d line out what I have discovered as a communication consultant, some simple techniques that can resolve issues once they arrive.
Step one: Realize that – although we’re born with the ability to speak and listen – communicating involves more than a mouth and a set of ears. There are so many issues in getting the message from “here” to “there” that can send it off course. Some of these include differences in cultures, personal histories, age, and even emotional state. Beyond that, there’s tone of voice, body language, even physical attributes such as hearing level and dialects. When you think about it, it’s actually pretty amazing we can communicate at all. Said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “It is a luxury to be understood.”
So, once we understood that the road is rocky, especially if we’re dealing with disagreements, the next step is to state the intention of the conversation. In addition to meaning YOU therefore have to know what you’re hoping to get from the talk, it also tells the other person what you’re hoping to achieve. Remember that you’re trying to change the verb, not the noun. In other words, focus on behaviors and not personality issues.
Examples of intentions might be “I’d like to be able to understand the terms you used in the contract,” or “I want to explain why I was upset last night.” This involves clear communication of course and can be a bit frightening, but, as they say, “The essence of justice is notice.” There’s no way to have a fair resolution without both parties knowing where the conversation is going.
After stating your view, ask the other person, “What would you like to get out of this?”
That leads to the next point, speak in first person about the feelings you have about the action. Instead of saying, “You were a real jerk last night,” or “Everyone thinks you’re being rude,” own it. “I felt you were being rude last night.” Putting it in first person makes you responsible for the words that come out of your mouth.
That unto itself will do a couple of things:
1) Since you can’t pass the buck, you’ll be more careful of what you say and more inclined to “ride the brakes” on what comes out of your mouth.
2) Because it’s how you feel, the other person can’t deny it. Your feelings are correct, even if those emotions weren’t the intention of the other person’s actions
Which leads to the next action, ask questions when view differ. You might not think you were being rude — and that’s totally fair. However, instead of getting into a childlike argument of
“I wasn’t rude.”
“Yeah, you were!”
“Was not!”
“Were too!”
“Fraid not!”
“Fraid so!”
Imagine how much better the resolution will be when you respond with, “I didn’t think I was being rude. What was it about what I did which caused you to feel that way?” Questions are incredibly powerful.
The most important question to ask yourself is “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” The answer to that will guide you better than any others.
About the author: Scott “Q” Marcus, RScP, is a life coach and Religious Science Practitioner, as well as a professional speaker and the founder of the inspirational Facebook Group, Intentions Affirmations Manifestations. Stay in touch by signing up for his newsletter at www.ThisTimeIMeanIt.com/signup
