Though most incarnations of the superhero have been male, it was recently announced that Julia Garner would play a female Silver Surfer in a new Fantastic Four movie. The Onion asked Marvel fans why the Silver Surfer could never be a woman, and this is what they said.
“There’s nothing in human evolution that suggests women have adapted to be the herald of Galactus.”
“It’s not Silver Surfress.”
“One of the most iconic Silver Surfer storylines is when he gets his penis caught in a power line while chasing the Fantastic Four.”
“I don’t think even the Silver Surfer’s marginal enough to be a woman.”
“Human females shouldn’t be stealing roles that rightfully belong to native Zenn-Lavians.”
“Accepting a female Silver Surfer will cause China to conquer and subjugate a clearly weakened United States.”
“That buck naked space guy was an important part of my childhood.”
“How are they going to explain the glistening bulge?”
“You’d think I’d be okay with a woman playing a character I don’t give a shit about, but no.”
“Having metal skin would eliminate the sexual pleasure that women solely exist to provide.”
“Traditionally, the character is supposed to confuse me sexually.”
“Why do all the female characters get to be the naked ones?”
“As a Marvel fan, I haven’t interacted with enough women to have an opinion on this, yet I do.”
“The movie will be drowned out by guys in the theater going ‘Hummina-hummina-awooga!’”
“I guess I can’t think of a good reason outside my tendency to weaponize societal misogyny against myself.”
“They made the Ghostbusters women, and then Covid happened.”
“Because, baby—women are pure gold.”