WASHINGTON—Warning that sweet, innocent little Americans should know by now to mind their own business, a blood-drenched Attorney General Merrick Garland began a televised press conference Wednesday by telling the nation it didn’t see any of that. “Look, I don’t know what all 340 million of you think you just saw, but if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your mouth shut,” the Justice Department’s highest-ranking official said as he used a hand towel to wipe the blood from his face, politely asking U.S. residents how their families were doing, and remarking that it would be a genuine shame if something bad were to happen to them. “Now, I know this is a lot to process, so maybe we need to have a little drink together and make sure everyone agrees that none of it ever happened. Because none of it did happen. And if word were to get out that something had happened just now, I would certainly know which country’s populace had blabbed about it. I’m sure you understand how unfortunate that would be, yes?” At press time, Garland called the nation a cab and told them to go home and get some rest, adding that there was no need to give the driver an address because he already knew where you laid your head at night.