CHIYODA, TOKYO—Craning his neck in frustration between the heads and shoulders of the many dignitaries and officials seated in front of him, 42-year-old assassin Tetsuya Yamagami was reportedly annoyed Tuesday by his lousy seats at the state funeral of former Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Sheesh, I get that I wasn’t the most important person in the guy’s life, but you’d think they would have seated me a little closer than the nosebleeds,” said Yamagami, adding that he assumed he would have at least gotten a call-out in the eulogy for murdering the Liberal Democratic Party leader in cold blood. “It’s not like I’m some nobody. I shot and killed this person! And yet I’m back here with fourth-tier celebrities and some municipal government jerk-offs. Jeez, maybe I can talk to an usher to see if I can get a bit closer. There are definitely empty seats down there.” Yamagami added that he was especially piqued by the situation given how hard it was to get in a good shot from up there.