DEIR AL-BALAH, GAZA—Following accounts of continued civilian massacres in the Gaza Strip, disturbing reports emerged this week of the Israel Defense Forces allegedly using armored vehicles to play clips of Amy Schumer’s stand-up comedy in order to drive Palestinians from their homes. “The IDF is currently using a duplicitous, inhumane means of tricking already traumatized Palestinian residents into fleeing their homes and walking straight into the line of fire as they attempt to escape the sound of Amy Schumer’s voice blasting from Israeli tanks,” read a report from the Geneva-based human rights monitor EuroMed, which cited witnesses on the ground who confirmed torturous musings by the raunchy fourth-place Last Comic Standing contestant were playing 24 hours a day at extreme volumes. “In perhaps their cruelest maneuver yet, Netanyahu and his military are subjecting innocent civilians to exhaustive material from the romanticized alcoholic’s comedy specials, including Emergency Contact and The Leather Special. The sexually salacious yet somehow incredibly dull commentary by Schumer continues to play on repeat as Gazan women and children are driven insane by the derivative material about wine and dating. Not a single human on earth is powerful enough to withstand such agony, as demonstrated by the mass suicide of nearly half the soldiers assigned to the IDF’s I Feel Pretty Unit. Even President Biden has remarked how disgusted he is that American-made entertainment is being used to perpetrate such a blatant violation of human rights.” At press time, Hamas had reportedly surrendered to Israel, stating that no amount of land or power was worth hearing another word about Schumer’s purportedly cavernous vagina.