MISSOULA, MT—Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature. “We can conclude without reservation that the woman who brought you into this world is an erotic being who feels lust toward people in her life, becomes aroused at their touch, and participates in passionate sexual encounters with them,” the report in your mind read in part, remarking especially upon the intense burning your mother feels in her loins—the same loins that gave you life—and the shuddering force with which she reaches orgasm. “Sometimes, when she is going about ordinary daily activities like work, shopping, or preparing a meal for her family, she is thinking about how she would rather be engaged in earth-shattering, heart-racing, hard, pounding intercourse instead. What’s more, there is evidence your mom is an absolute freak who fucks like animal, and that any perverse thought or sexual craving you have ever experienced was inherited directly from her.” The report added that your father, by contrast, was sexually dead inside and a functional eunuch.