The so-called Western dating crisis has condemned countless men to a solitary life in which they cannot experience the joy of having a wife who exists solely to feed and pleasure them. The Onion explores how the terrifying epidemic of male loneliness could finally be solved if someone were to invent and sell robot wives.
Previously lonely automated vacuums will enjoy having a friend of the same species in the house.
Men can choose to program their wives to whatever benchmark they can realistically achieve.
The movie was godawful, but it didn’t seem like dating was the issue.
Finally you will be freed from the burden of forming your own personality.
Small caveat: Customer service AI may tend to sympathize with robot wives.
Every man taken out of circulation is a win for the dating scene.
Robot wives are programmed not to feel pain when their human partner cheats on them with the new washing machine.
About time they had some buy-in.
Well, it solves your dating crisis, anyway.
Just try not to ejaculate when your wife uses her 10,000-PSI robot arm to satisfy you.
Just like Grandpa used to take for granted.
She knows a guy, and that guy is her brother who’s a vending machine.
The resulting improvement in mental health will benefit everyone.
No more begging human wives to spray-paint their skin silver and painfully graft some knobs to their chest.
While those losers are getting busy with their robot wives, there’ll be more ladies on the market for everyone else.
Just scan her QR code to split custody!