Looking Back at Alcoholism and Family

[nostalgic music begins]

[Little Girl] Why you doing this?

[Mother] So that the camera knows and we can

remember what a great day it was!

Happy Mother's Day!

[Mother giggles]

[I love you]

[We're a happy family]

[Mother] Ring around the roses-

Hey Sydney, you want to smile for the camera?

[Woman] You're in a movie.

[Mother] Be happy!

[Man] We've gotta hurry, we're running out of tape.

[a baby cries]

[a brief, high-pitched sound]

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

[ a clock ticks in the background]

[phone rings]

[clock stops ticking]

[Sydney] Stace?

Can you hear me?

[Stacey] Yeah.

[Sydney] Oh, okay. I think it's recording.

When I first felt like there was something

in a personal film,

I thought it was gonna be more about just us

and sisterhood, but the film has started to like...

[Stacey] Well and I think what we've realized-

[Sydney] Enter this like,

another dimension. We realized there's

this whole other element in the room.

Going back to the videos, Mom just stopped filming

after I was like 8-

[Stacey] Oh really?

[Sydney] Easter 2000. Yeah.

There's just no more home videos.

They just end.

[Stacey] Huh.

[Sydney] It's weird how

she's never wanted to watch the home videos

but she was so insistent about

documenting everything growing up?

[the cry of seagulls over ocean waves]

Mamma!

[Mother] Honey, wait I'm taking pictures of Sydney

chasing the birds.

[little girls yelling at the birds]

[Stacey] What did you think

when we were watching the footage together?

[Sydney] When you're a young child, you're like

How great, I got to experience all of that

I feel like we were lucky to have had it

even for a portion of time.

But I think for her as a parent,

it was almost more painful having it

and then having it taken away,

and then really coming to grips with like,

it's not coming back.

[nostalgic music resumes]

[Sydney] When you're watching your kids grow up,

you're looking at the life you have

and you're projecting it forward

and just- She knows where it ends up.

[children talking happily over the sound of the waves]

[Sydney] You're patiently waiting

until

she comes back again.

Everything else was just not identifiable as a mother.

You can't even grasp the depth of someone else's depression

but I think we were at least smart enough to know that.

[Stacey] You're dealing with forces

so out of your control.

[Mother] [Everybody loves a hukilau]

[Where the maumau eats the powpow at the big luau]

[We throw our nets]

[Out into the sea]

[And all the amaama come a swimming to me]

C'mon dance, dance like you learned at the party!

[Sydney] I think I never thought

she'd actually ever be fully sober.

I just thought we'd have her for glimpses.

[Mother] Sydney!

Say Hi, Mamma!

Sydney.

I love you.

[birds chirping]

[nostalgic music resumes]

[Stacey] And I feel like

for a long time when we were in high school.

when she was getting sober,

we didn't have our level of closeness.

[Sydney] You mean you and I?

[Stacey] Yeah.

I think I was just quietly a little

resentful of how ...

In your mind it was cut and dry,

it was black and white. It was like

You're not sober cause you're not trying hard enough

and you don't care enough about it's impact on us

[Sydney] You probably are the reason Mom did get better.

Because I did not

show her compassion.

[Mother] Will you come over to mommy?

Here, come over to mommy's hands.

[Stacey] I was always just more scared for her.

You have like 3 little kids

that you need to feed and provide for.

Alone.

There was a lot of just having to

keep her head above water.

Mommy goin' bye-bye?

Mommy going bye-bye?

Mommy going on a trip?

[soft orchestral music begins]

But I'm coming home!

Am I gonna come home?

Huh?

[birds chirping]

[Mother] I'm gonna come home. I promise.

[soft orchestral music resumes]

[languid wind chimes interspersed with birds chirping]

[Stacey] I had a great comfort,

sleeping in the same bed with her after she was passed out.

Being able to hold her hand as I went to bed.

Even at a young age, you feel their pain.

[sustained soft orchestral music]

There were so many moments at night

when she would wake up,

and just turn to me and start sobbing-crying,

telling me how sorry she was.

That was genuine

[nostalgic music]

Mamma

Where do you shut it off, you're assuming-

I'd like to get just that- The rest is real life.

What do you want to tell me?

[little girl babbling]

Why don't you tell me a story or something?

[little girl and mother laugh ]

[baby cries]

Hi.

Love you.

Hi!

[mother laughing]

[Sydney] I think the reason why

we are okay

is because

there was never a lack of feeling loved.

[Mother] The finest little girls

in the whole wide world.

[Stacey] That's totally the core of it.

We truly all felt

wanted and loved.

[ocean waves]

I wish I could just wave a wand

and alleviate mom of all that deep, deep

guilt she felt.

[ocean waves]

[snap of camera shutter]

[snap of camera shutter]

♪ There's a place ♪

♪ In my heart ♪

♪ Still waiting ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ There's a place ♪

♪ In my heart ♪

♪ Just for you ♪

♪ Mm-hm ♪

♪ Though you hurt me ♪