Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your trip to the astral healer will be a major spiritual success, but your physical body will be destroyed by a truck on the way home.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your loud public whining about “getting the hell out of this podunk town” will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You can’t for the life of you figure out why they call it a loveseat, as it does not love you and never will.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Avoid people who find meaningful patterns in the randomness of Nature.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Jupiter ascending in your sign indicates that the Cosmos couldn’t give a good god damn what happens to you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars indicate you should purge yourself of the sin of vanity. After all, you’ve got a face like a hog’s ass.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
For the last time: It simply isn’t true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
After a long, hard search for a hot meal and a place to sleep, you finally just reheat yesterday’s pizza and sack out on the couch.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though you’ve prayed earnestly all your life, it has never worked. Consider having your hands surgically enlarged.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are, as you should know damn good and well that they’re out to get you.