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World 

Science 

Money 

Nature 

Technology 

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Culture & Art 

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Travel 

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August 2024

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Trump Campaign Hacked By Iran

Former President Donald Trump’s campaign said some internal communications have been hacked, blaming the Iranian government and citing past hostilities between Trump and Iran without providing direct evidence. What do…
theonion
4
2024-08-13 21:09

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J.D. Vance Accuses Tim Walz Of Stolen Valor For Wearing ‘Grill Master’ Apron

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the Democratic vice presidential candidate across social media platforms, J.D. Vance reportedly accused Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz Tuesday of stolen valor for wearing an apron that said “Grill Master.”…
theonion
6
2024-08-13 20:50

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Newly Sober God Admits He Has No Recollection Of Creating Universe

THE HEAVENS—Sipping on a Diet Coke as He described the mix of alcohol and pills He had lived off of for years, a newly sober God admitted Tuesday that He…
theonion
6
2024-08-13 19:10

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Judge Rules Google Maintains Illegal Monopoly Over Search

A U.S. district judge ruled that Google’s ubiquitous search engine has been illegally exploiting its dominance to squash competition and stifle innovation, a seismic decision that could shake up the…
theonion
5
2024-08-06 21:17

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Who Is Harris’ Running Mate Tim Walz?

After a great deal of anticipation, Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris picked Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz as her running mate. The Onion takes a look at the former educator and…
theonion
5
2024-08-06 18:08

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Singer Adlibs Little Laugh At End Of Track To Signify Fun Time Was Had

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theonion
5
2024-08-06 15:44

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Wealthy Child Horrified By Mismatched Towels In Friend’s Bathroom

EVANSTON, IL—Fingers trembling as he hurriedly composed a message begging his mom to pick him up from the sleepover, 12-year-old Quentin Matthews was said to be horrified Tuesday by the…
theonion
4
2024-08-06 15:30

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Female Competitive Drowner Explains Why Trans Athletes Should Not Compete In Competitive Drowning

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theonion
6
2024-08-01 12:00
July 2024

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MLB Loses Millions of Stats In Warehouse Fire

SAN FRANCISCO—As front-office executives surveyed the damage done to their record-keeping facility, Major League Baseball announced Monday that it had lost millions of stats Monday in a devastating warehouse blaze.…
theonion
17
2024-07-22 22:30

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Photo Of Garden Cucumbers Sent To Father Unleashes Torrent Of Unbridled Criticism

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber…
theonion
6
2024-07-22 21:00

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Democrats Panic After Kamala Harris Ages 40 Years In Single Night

WASHINGTON—Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered…
theonion
7
2024-07-22 20:55

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Facebook Announces Human Trafficking Now Allowed On Marketplace

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theonion
6
2024-07-22 19:52

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News Happening Faster Than Man Can Generate Uninformed Opinions

NEW YORK—Calling out the unsustainable pace at which historic events seemed to be occurring, local man Brad Gifford told reporters Monday that important news stories were now…
theonion
6
2024-07-22 19:50

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Study Finds Smacking Own Head Yelling ‘Stupid, Stupid’ Could Be Early Sign Of Low Self-Esteem

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Shedding new light on the role of self-perception in human psychology, a new study published Monday by the Mayo Clinic found that smacking one’s own head while yelling “Stupid,…
theonion
5
2024-07-22 19:05

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Nation Rocked By Attempted Trump Assassination

Former President Donald Trump narrowly avoided death after being shot in the ear during a campaign rally in Butler, PA, with one spectator killed and two critically injured. What do…
theonion
6
2024-07-16 21:20

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Mom’s Divorce Fails To Slow Down Pleas For Adult Daughter To Get Married

BROOKLINE, MA—Expecting at least a temporary moratorium on the subject, sources expressed surprise Tuesday when local woman Gale Dunn’s recent divorce failed to slow down her continual pleas for her…
theonion
8
2024-07-16 18:35

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Report Finds Just Giving In And Going To Church Would Solve All Your Problems

WASHINGTON—Making the case that the time had come to abandon your godless life of unbelief, a new report released Tuesday by a consortium of local pastors found that just giving…
theonion
4
2024-07-16 18:20

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Tony The Tiger Remains Closest Thing Man Has To Father Figure

ROCKVILLE, MD—Calling the Frosted Flakes cereal mascot the most constant and supportive force in his life, local man Dylan Harney told reporters Tuesday that Tony the Tiger remained the closest…
theonion
8
2024-07-16 18:00

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Who Is Trump’s VP Pick J.D. Vance?

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump recently selected Ohio Sen. J.D. Vance as his running mate. The Onion takes a look at the author and venture capitalist’s background and political stances.…
theonion
7
2024-07-16 17:22

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Sobbing Marco Rubio Refuses To Come Out Of Bathroom Stall

MILWAUKEE—Giving the senator a moment to collect himself, aides reported this week that a sobbing Marco Rubio was refusing to come out of the bathroom stall to give his speech…
theonion
8
2024-07-16 16:55

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Wimbledon Enters Third Round Of Centuples Tournament

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theonion
6
2024-07-09 14:34
June 2024

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Ambitious Nature Center Squeezes 25 Informational Placards Out Of Sad Little Marsh

PETALUMA, CA—Noting that whoever was in charge clearly took the assignment and ran with it, sources told reporters Friday that an overly ambitious nature center had squeezed 25 informational placards…
theonion
6
2024-06-28 14:00

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Relieved Trump, Biden End Debate After Realizing Neither Of Them Really Wants To Be President

ATLANTA—Stressing that they wished they had talked about this months ago instead of waiting until now, a relieved Donald Trump and Joe Biden ended the first presidential debate of 2024…
theonion
7
2024-06-28 04:05

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Trump Uses Rebuttal To Pepper Spray Biden

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theonion
6
2024-06-28 03:25

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RFK Jr. Mutes TV To Share Own Answer To Debate Moderator’s Question

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theonion
6
2024-06-28 03:05

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CNN Cuts To Black As Hillary Clinton Rushes Debate Stage

ATLANTA—Leaving millions of viewers across the nation alarmed and confused, CNN reportedly cut to black Thursday as Hillary Clinton rushed the presidential debate stage. “The moderator had just asked Trump…
theonion
7
2024-06-28 02:45

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Nation Can’t Believe That It’s Saying This, But It Doesn’t Want To Watch TV

WASHINGTON—With the first presidential debate of the 2024 election cycle airing tonight, Americans across the country told reporters Thursday that they couldn’t believe they were saying this, but they don’t…
theonion
5
2024-06-28 02:30

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Tesla’s Cybertruck Recalled For 4th Time

Tesla has recalled its Cybertruck for the fourth time since the vehicle went on sale Nov. 30 due to an error with the windshield wiper controller getting too much electrical…
theonion
4
2024-06-27 21:43

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